Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Reflections Upon Doubt and Pre-Menstrual Syndrome

I have to say that one of the most freeing things about losing my religion is the occasional privilege of being a complete and total bitch.

I have a raging case of PMS. I haven't slept well in the last three months, which is another story for another day. My minivan (also known by its proper name, the Damned Minivan) is clearly on the verge of a spectacular, expensive, and protracted death. I can't find a good funny book to read, just serious and educational ones that I'm not particularly in the mood for at the moment. I don't want to eat what I have planned for dinner, but I can't quite justify ordering pizza. My hopes for a PR at my next 5K are pretty well dashed due to being sick for most of the last three months.

And that's just the stuff I'm going to tell you about.

Of all the things I do not miss about religion, incessant guilt tops the list. Now don't get me wrong, I still have it, and frequently. But not nearly as often as I used to, and while that may not always be a good thing (particularly when it comes to my rather flexible view of speed limits on the freeway), sometimes it feels damn good. Christians feel guilty about so much, and after a while it can't help but wear you down.

Today, in an e-mail conversation, I told a dear friend to f**k off. I sent an apology two minutes later because I am congenitally nice. But the truth is, he sort of deserved it, and I don't actually feel all that bad about it. I kind of like that.

I am tired, I have cramps, and I don't feel like being a good mother at the moment. I'm going to wave my Bitch Flag high and take pride in my freedom.

At least until my kids come home.

4 comments:

Holy Cow said...

Do you really "see" God as invisible? Looking around you, is he really entirely invisible?

Celulite said...

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Improbable Bee said...

Holy Cow -- I'm not quite sure what you're referring to, since I never referenced God or his invisibility in this post. Did you mean to respond to a different one? Before I get too involved in an answer, I'd like to know what you're responding to.

Celulite -- I do not heart spam. Go away.

Terri said...

You know, improbably bee, you might be correct. I think I must have derived my feeling from the overall flow of the blogs and not just one. I think the fact that I responded to the first opportunity to do so on the page itself (having never done this before), it appears I responded to the last entry. It would appear my commnet came from viewing that entry, however, it did not. That was my mistake.

Now, in terms of my comment, I guess I just wondered if seeing the things you described in an entry below (The Oregon coast, mountains, clouds, etc) wasn't proof enough that God's hand isn't in it all? I didn't know if you felt he had no part in the creation of it all or if you didn't think God knew each drop or water from a leaf or things similar?
I guess the true question I've tried to pose is, is seeing believing to you? Is the beauty and wonder you describe proof enough of God's existence or is the concern (I interpret) that God's hand really isn't in all the little things?

Maybe you can clear this up? I'm genuinely curious. Respectfully, I am.